Tools to ensure healthy relationships

Healthy relationships are at the heart of lifelong emotional wellbeing, good mental, physical and sexual health. Schools and colleges can be places where young people can talk openly, share experiences and get the support and information they need as they and their relationships grow and change.

Positive relationships
The essential features of any positive relationship are honesty, respect and trust. You won’t see your students’ approach to relationships change in a day. Most importantly, teachers need to open the door to self-reflection and different perspectives. The following exercise reveals the diversity of views surrounding good and bad aspects of relationships.

Students brainstorm different aspects of relationships which the class then attempts to align along a scale from positive to negative – for example trust, pressure, shared responsibility, honesty, sex, control. Constructive debate shows that: everyone’s priorities, opinions and relationships are unique; relationships usually have a mixture of good and bad aspects; and that all the good aspects rely on honesty, respect and trust.

Education for all
A whole-school atmosphere of honesty, respect and trust must exist for productive discussions of relationships issues. This especially depends upon the school’s gender and sexual orientation ethos.

In my work as a domestic violence caseworker, I mostly encounter female victims and male perpetrators. The women need to be better resourced to assert their rights and boundaries; the men in expressing their emotions in ways that don’t infringe on these. Unfortunately, we still seem to be bringing up men and women with rigid views of how they should behave, and limiting the emotional resources with which we provide them. This emphasises their supposed differences rather than encouraging empathy, mutual respect and a sense of shared responsibility.

It is crucial to challenge gender stereotypes. Refute notions like the idea that there is one person in a couple who ‘wears the trousers’ in favour of equality and individuality. There is a great deal of pressure on boys to conform to a culture that shuns feelings and vulnerability and it’s important to counter this.

Your school or college is required to provide an inclusive education. Teaching about relationships and sex must be relevant to gay, lesbian, and bisexual students. Be clear that relationships between two men or two women are not ‘other’. Same-sex relationships have the same joys and challenges – including those related to raising a family – as straight relationships. You must ensure that your institution’s sexual health teaching provides accurate information about the risks associated with male-male and female-female sexual activities.

Also, all teachers, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, need to feel accepted. Could your school or college be more inclusive? Ways forward are offered in David Watkins’ article on challenging homophobia (see September 2006 issue) and Mark Jennett’s on creating inclusive schools (see February 2007 issue).

Encouraging communication
Many young people, especially boys, find it difficult to speak about their relationships, though this is crucial for their emotional and sexual wellbeing. A great number of young people are anxious about how to raise a discussion about sex with their partner. Enabling them to feel more confident about this is a vital component of sex education that empowers young people to keep themselves and each other safe. Opportunities for one-on-one support are invaluable.

Young people in same-sex relationships have greater challenges when it comes to seeking support. Homophobic implications that same-sex relationships are inferior or dysfunctional discourage help-seeking. Advice about safer sex is often harder to access. Additionally, one or both partners may not be ‘out’ to friends and family or at school.

All relationships are unique. Each one is challenging as well as rewarding. No one is expected always to know what to do or how to deal with difficulties alone. There is no single right way to conduct a relationship, and there is no shame in talking about worries.

Excellent discussion arises from real or made-up ‘problem page’ case studies – make sure boys can relate! Small group work followed by feedback to the class is a fun way to learn to talk about emotions, without the pressure of talking about their own experiences. Include non-violent conflict resolution strategies.

Abusive relationships
Witnessing violence in the home is legally defined as emotional abuse and has potentially devastating psychological effects. In the UK there are two domestic violence murders each week, and it is estimated that 750,000 children are affected by domestic violence each year.

What is abuse?
Domestic violence includes verbal put-downs, emotional blackmail, stealing, harassment in person or by phone/text/email, disrespecting alone-time, dictating which friends it’s OK to see, and disrespecting sexual boundaries. Ending the relationship can result in an escalation of violence.

Some young people are already in abusive relationships. Several of my clients are at college and got together with their partners at the age of 14 or 15. Disclosure of any abusive behaviour from a partner or ex should be taken seriously. Listen without judgement, and use the victim’s level of fear as an indication of risk. Aggression or threats are never acceptable, regardless of the nature of the relationship between victim and perpetrator.

If a student or parent is experiencing relationship abuse, it is a child protection issue. Much will be undisclosed and could be very serious. Refer the victim to a local domestic violence project and involve the police if a crime has been committed.

Many schools and colleges and the adults within them are havens for students with difficult home lives. We can’t do too much to help everybody feel respected and supported, and give students the tools for creating positive relationships.

Resources
www.broken-rainbow.org.uk
www.refuge.org.uk
www.thehideout.org.uk

Annie Beaumont is a domestic violence caseworker.

First published in Learning for Life, June 2007